During my recent trip to the states I invited the opportunity to go clothes shopping.
(note I didn’t say embraced!)…
- I hate shopping for clothes.
- I hate standing there trying to figure out what will look good, let alone what will fit.
- What will go together?
- Will it look like I am wearing a tent?
- How much of what I don’t want to show will be on show?
- How much will it accentuate what I don’t want it to?
- Will I look beautiful?
- Do I want to look beautiful or attractive?
- Am I deceiving myself?
- What is the point of me doing this?
I may as well just be practical and stick with what I have, just buy stuff ONLY WHEN I HAVE TO.. underwear, the jeans, or a dress for work.. Let’s not expect that this could ever be fun or that I could ever fully look amazing.
All the feels, yep all the feels. Those sympathetic nervous system flight triggers are in full trigger mode! I am out of here, FORGET IT!
I not just acquiesced but invited LeAnne to take me clothes shopping in a way only she can. Op shops (or per the USA termingology thrift shopping)..
I will be the first to admit the anxiety levels were increasing as the morning wore on, we had breakfast and we got ready. I worried about driving her crazy because I would be unresponsive, I’d be in a state of hating on myself. I’d walk out with NOTHING and it would waste her time and then I’d be super mad at myself for wasting an entire day when we could have been doing something that we would both get something out of! Rather than both of us coming home at the end of the day and it being awkward, and me withdrawn and her potentially frustrated with me!
I didn’t have to worry about any of that.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Seriously?!
We walk in… I am in the internal fight of my life (exaggerating maybe) of not wanting to be there, but I made a commitment to do this and I am not wasting either of our times. Plus remembering shopping in the USA is a bargain opportunity for Aussies so I didn’t want to waste it. I also felt there was an opportunity to sort through some internal stuff while doing this. All you ladies who hate shopping for clothes know what I mean! So I hope you can be encouraged by this.
LeAnne pulled some stuff of the racks and I responded with no words just the facial expression that from my perspective was nothing will look good so why are we wasting our time response..
However I walked into the change room with a few items, I wanted to cry and I wanted to run, but I sucked it up and tried the clothes on…….and I even called out for LeAnne to come and provide her viewpoint… and ended up leaving with something I do like.. this beautiful winter coat…
My tension levels are heightened all throughout my body.. It’s a keep your distance, I want nothing to do with anyone time. If I could have become a robot in this moment it would have been easier, but no, deep down is a belief that I am beautiful, and I want to express that, I want to see that, I want to embrace that..
As we drove from Shop #1 to Shop #2 I was processing what the heck was going on inside of me. All the screaming, the voices telling me I would never look good in anything, to the voices challenging me to find out why I was so afraid of finding things that would look good on me. By the time we got to the car park (parking lot) of the next shop I was ready to just let the tears fly. I was ready to say enough enough, we are done, never again. BUT something within me urged me onwards.
LeAnne was so patient with the journey, we sat in the car, we talked, she prayed and then we went in. Also knowing one of my top love languages did help here.. with a massive sisterly hug.. It is scientifically known that a good hug can actually lower much of our tension reactions.. here we go again… I am on purpose taking some seriously deep breaths… Seeing all the clothes sends me into overwhelm. Women browsing the racks, LeAnne with confidence just walking over to the racks and tossing through things. Then a trigger question, so what size do you normally fit in.. #alarmbellsring and I have a mini freak out. Then it’s the whole explain about the differences between the brands.. how it can be up to 4 different sizes and then that the US sizes are yet again different to Australia.. I was stressed.. I wanted to vomit and I wanted out…
BUT I persevered..
I am still giving her the looks of why am I here, and ugh nothing will look good on me. BUT I did notice I began to give different looks for different items, I could feel it on my face.. The heck no, to the I don’t know/maybe to the maybe yes faces.. I felt them internally.. I ended up finding a few pieces I liked and even one I liked that would never fit me.. so I made her try it on! HA…
By the time we got the trolley (cart) to the change room it was full. and I had to take some deep breaths. Almost back to square one, all those clothes, the pile of clothes.. I can’t do this. Nothing will look good.
I tried the pile of clothes on, and yes it took awhile, if it didn’t fit at all I discarded it, but if i could get it on, I’d see how I felt in it and then get her view as well. Sometimes and I will admit this, we don’t always see things as they are because of the perspective we are looking through. You know those glasses that tell us we look ugly, but really we don’t.. Let alone the rose coloured ones where we think all is amazing, but maybe it isn’t?!
We left that store, me again with a pile of clothes and I will admit I was getting to the point of finding happy on this journey.
We took a late lunch break before heading to
This was a different venture again.
I found a newfound confidence to go straight to the racks and start looking myself, and when LeAnne would suggest something I found my vocal chords more to say no (with determination) or maybe, and we were laughing together throughout this shop.
Something shifted for me that day, it wasn’t easy, it was brutal. BUT I processed through a lot of feelings.
Recently I heard a wise man say that we need to sit in and process our feelings, too often we rush through them. That day was a full day of processing my feelings. Shopping for clothes was an instigator, but the real trigger was how I truly felt about myself.
So if you are a woman who gets this, find a good friend, a real good friend who can be with you in your triggered moments when shopping for clothes. Who will remind you of who you are, how beautiful you are and will be honest about the clothes you are wearing, even to the point of telling you if things fit your butt well or not!
It is worth it. In the end..
I came home to Australia with a bunch of new outfits, including things I probably would never have given a second glance on the rack if it wasn’t for LeAnne throwing it in the trolley (cart).. cheeky, but I am grateful she did..
Do I love shopping? I wouldn’t say I have grown to the point of LOVE for it, but I now have a lot less anxiety regarding it. I have some more confidence that I can walk in a store and have a play and try things on and not feel like I am going to explode.
Am I worth it? ABSOLUTELY! 🙂
SO ARE YOU!