I’ve seen a few posts out there in the webiverse from the motherless and childless regarding Mothers Day and today I thought I would share one as well.
It is one of the most difficult days of the year.
Advertising is everywhere about the day to honour mothers, to celebrate them, to buy them chocolates and flowers, even get their car detailed for them. I am not against celebrating them, so many mothers are extraordinary and have beautiful relationships with their children. I see it. Please celebrate them! All year round!
As the day nears I attempt to numb, ignore and forget that it is coming, I attempt to pretend that it is like any other day. Yet There are triggers that can shatter that, it can be as simple as being asked “What are you doing today?”….
This morning I stood in the ocean, tears streaming down my face, my entire body convulsing and shuddering with the painful depths of this day, of not having a mother and of not being a mother. Deep down I wonder if anyone would ever truly want to mother me so that I would feel it in my heart and soul. Deep down I have always dreamed of being a mum, even as a little kid that was my biggest dream. I dreamed of having many children to the point I had planned how the inside of the house would be, how I would make lunches and meals, so many things.
Here is a day which brings this into my face, it slams it there and it doesn’t go away. If I could climb into a hole and come out the other side unscathed by this day, I would.
Why is it so difficult?
My life began with a woman who was pregnant with me and a man who denied I was his. I was her third child (none of whom she had raised, one was adopted and one was raised by his father), and by the time she got to the third (in her own words that she told me) she was going to abort me. Her brothers encouraged her to “give me up” for adoption, which is what she ultimately did. Cue a trauma that is known to have great damage to the child leading to abandonment and rejection and CPTSD for life and I can attest to the powerful impact that abandonment and rejection can have ongoing, as can any adoptee.
My adoptive mother died a number of years ago, we were never close.. We got along, but we never had that emotional connection that I see mothers have with their daughters. I always wished, hoped and dreamed that we would have that, but we never did, even until the day she died.
Did she love me, of course she did, but did we truly connect, no, we did not. The more I see mothers and daughters have deep relationships to the point they even call themselves best friends, it hurts. It is a reminder of the hole that I carry in my heart.
As I get older and near 40 I am constantly reminded of my childless state. Have I had relationships, yes, have they lasted no. So often I have been attracted to the men who have “needs”, they need someone to care for them in some way or another. Now I look for men who are all in for a 100% 100% relationship, both parties all in, but it feels like good men are hard to find. Every time a mother says being a mum made their life complete is yet another slap in the face. Especially when people tell those without kids that there is nothing wrong with not having kids, yet saying their life is complete by having-them. It is a double standard. What message is being sent…. Having kids completes life therefore those who don’t have them have incomplete lives?
To all the motherless and childless out there, I hear you, I see you, I validate you. Be kind to you….
To those who have motherless/childless friends, validate them, listen to them, don’t try and “make them feel better” as they have every right to grieve. The best give you can give is your ears, and your arms (if they like hugs that is), you don’t have to try and fix it.